How to get the Perfect…Everything!

Media (Photo Credit: Flickr LauraLewis23)

Yes, it happened: I discovered the secret to perfection.

Tempted by “mindless” reading, I recently bought a women’s lifestyle magazine to occupy myself plane-side (and to keep my mind off the person next to me coughing the Plague into my Diet Coke). Who would decline to enrich their appearance, career, and relationships just by skimming a few pages? Dahmer party included, everyone is seeking the latest diet that will make them live forever… or at least look good in the process.

Ironically, however, choosing my “mindless” reading wasn’t easy, as each magazine professes similar go-to tips. I stood in front of the kiosk for ten minutes, feeling awkward as Creepy Jones next to me fawned over Maxim’s bare-butt women, until I viscerally settled on an issue with Hayden Panettiere gracing the cover. At least within the celebrity world, she’s relatively “real” (a.k.a she hasn’t renamed herself something like Snookie or Lady Gaga). She must have some worldly tricks up her sleeve that none of us lackeys have. Right?

So here I was, nestled in Gate  D4 between Chili’s and a pack of kids coaxing me towards alcoholism, when I opened the magazine that would transform my life from head-to-toe. Here’s what I learned:

  1. Apparently, all I have to do to achieve the physique of a Victoria’s Secret Angel is 15-minutes of squats, three times per week. In 17 days, I will have washboard abs and a derriere that would rival Beyoncé’s. Guaranteed. (Warning: nothing was mentioned about controlling my diet, so I’ll safely assume that ice cream can be included in my eating plan.)
  2. I, or someone I know, will get breast cancer. And the solution to early detection is, of course, to throw a shower party, in which everyone is invited to climb into the shower and feel their goodies for lumps. No, this isn’t just the wet-dream of a pimpled thirteen-year-old boy—this is the 21st century and the new key to prevention. So get down to your skivvies.
  3. It is of utmost importance to eat grapes, blueberries, and pomegranates to get all of my antioxidants. I also need spinach for Vitamin K, Salmon for Omega-3 Fatty Acids, oranges for Vitamin C, whole grains for Fiber, and beans for Folic Acid. In other words I should quit my job, because if I want to live a long and healthy life, I don’t have time to think about anything else.  And I should probably put down my sugary latté—at best, I’m getting a tablespoon of Vitamin D. At worst, I’m wasting an opportunity to fill-up on food that doesn’t contribute to organ deterioration and an early death.
  4. I should refrain from spending my time and money buying department store creams and Retinols. Hayden apparently gets her gorgeous glow compliments of Neutrogena. Dermatologists, facials, and access to the healthiest organic foods have nothing to do with it.
  5. The new flavour combo is walnuts, beets, and garlic. I will already look hot with my washboard abs and glowing skin, so a little constipation, stinky breath, and red urine can’t hurt, right?

So besides unbridled optimism, why do we poison our minds with empty promises and faulty information? Even if the writers of my magazine were telling the truth—and generous enough to divulge life’s untold secrets—what am I to do next month? This issue was the unveiling of the perfect, total-body transformation and the sex-tips that will revolutionize my relationship. So perhaps next month I should only expect sub-par tips for leading a mediocre life.

Or, of course, I could take off my rose-colored glasses and concede that these magazines add nothing substantial to my life.

So next time you’re tempted by promises that you, too, could look like an Angel in 17 days, remember that exercise, a moderate diet, and finding internal happiness are still the keys to uncovering your best you—no matter how loudly the headlines declare to have unearthed Marty McFly’s secrets from the future.  There aren’t shortcuts to anything.

Guaranteed.

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About OneWeekToCrazy

Writer in my real life, Milton in my work life. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Posted on September 28, 2012, in Lifestyle, Lists of Lists, Seeking Perfection and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 27 Comments.

  1. You tricked me! Here I thought you had the secret to perfection. You’re just as bad as those magazines with deceiving titles! lol…. 😦 Oh well I guess it’s back to hard work and seeking internal happiness… 🙂

  2. Great read! I absolutely agree!

    • Haha, thanks Carl. You crack me up and always make my day! Cheers to you 🙂 Checked out your website again…will refer anyone I know who’s lookin’ to loose!

      • Funny you say that. Allow me please to add something to the stereo type. And please know by now I don’t judge or even admonish, here. I help many people who are very happy with their weight but want to be healthier. One example is me personally. I am 195 and should be 180. However, I take no meds(never did), swim and keep up with 20 somethings, own a resting heart rate of 50 and blood pressure at 100/70, no medications and I am a good boy 80% of the week. All work and no play is not sustainable. Nutrition is my foundation and the rest is still evolving. There is no universal solution for everyone. We are all unique in many ways. I love the way you write and your sense of humor. Please keep them coming.

  3. pursuitofhappieness

    Loved this! What a great read 🙂

  4. Ha! You summed up 50+ pages in several concise sentences. And while I’m glad Neutrogena works on Hayden (big fan of hers, by the way), it dries out my skin. ::sigh:: Wonder if 15 minutes of squats still works that way once you see 30 only in your rear view mirror? Thanks for the fun!

  5. June Anne (Gibbs) Lehmann

    Loved this!!

  6. Very funny recap of those magazines and how they reflect our obsessions.
    Imperfect and OK about it,
    Candy

  7. So many conflicting messages all in a handful of glossy pages! Literary analysis and lady’s magazines = lethal combo. (:

  8. A fun read. It’s a whole different world for a man. Not just in how we are marketed to, but in how we perceive ourselves. Sure there’s some overlap, but it’s mostly like two alien species cohabiting the same planet. At least that’s how it feels when my wife and I go into the drug store or the department store. Take shoes for example. Men have about six styles and maybe two models in each to choose from. Takes 30 minutes to find what we need. I went shopping for shoes with Susan and we must have looked at 1,000 different styles, shapes, colours and designs in a mere six stores and we still didn’t find what she wanted in a size that fit. Took four hours and we walked out empty-handed.Very curious.

    • What a refreshing blog! I’m following. I like your comment, too, Ian – except that men are getting targetted for magazine advice now as well. Get fab abs!! Build your six pack! Six steps to a great sex life!!! (They completely miss out on the most important one, which is, like, actually talk to a woman..)

  9. Hahahahaha I liked this a lot! My thoughts very often when I see those magazines on the shelves. hahah 😀

  10. Great post. Although the walnuts and beets do sound like a great combo (I’ll go light on the garlic, please).

  11. Amen to that! The only magazine I read is “Glamour” and it’s because they do have some pretty good articles on real life women and not just celebrities. However, they also still have the lose weight quick schemes, the magical fruit that will make your skin look like a baby’s butt (clean butt I would assume), and find a man by being sexy but not forward. After those stories on “real life women” I read who talk about loving your looks the way they are and not focusing so much on material things. They then have the ads for make-up and fashion clothes that I have no idea where the heck I would wear such an outfit except on an actual runway. It drives me crazy sometimes, yet…I still buy them when at the airport or stuck in the grocery line 😛 *Sigh* Great post and I’m now a fan.

    • Haha, I love that…it’s true that it’s very ironic that one side of the page is covered with make-up ads while the other side is about “tapping into your inner beauty.” But alas, it’s what sells. (And I can’t say I’m completely innocent of the temptation of picking them up!)

      Thanks, again!

  12. Very true and amusingly put 🙂

  13. If only it was as easy as they claim….Very nicely written article you wrote…

  14. I do not even know the way I finished up right here, but I thought this submit was great.
    I do not know who you are however certainly you are going to a well-known blogger when you aren’t already. Cheers!

  15. I absolutely love how the person next to you was coughing the Plague into your Diet Coke 😀 I think I’m going to cross my fingers and do the 15min squats! I just have to believe!! 😉

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